At any given time, you can clearly see that 1 out of every 2 URI students are on drugs. If they aren't, they wish they were

Before we have this little talk, I'll just say this for the record: drugs are bad, kids. You don't want to try them at home. Officially, no drugs are consumed on campus, including alcohol, ever. It's a dry campus.

Drugs, however, are what most people are on. At any given time, you can clearly see that 1 out of every 2 URI students are on drugs. If they aren't, they wish they were. The top ten drugs on URI's campus:

TOBACCO is by far the most popular drug consumed on campus. If you are trying to quit smoking, make sure you do it away from this college campus. Everybody smokes. The professors, the students, the RAs, the janitor, even the plants outside. Everybody cranks butts, because there is nothing else to do.

GRASS is definitely as popular as tobacco. And by grass, of course, I mean the blades that you walk on every day when it isn't snowing. It's definitely the worst grass available anywhere. If you are in the mood to pay through the nose for the privilege of smoking dry, forgotten stems underneath the basking glow of a fluorescent light, then URI grass may be for you. It's a specific strain only available in this region, grown locally by idiots who fertilize it with their semen, cut it with oregano, and sell it in public places. Almost everyone smokes the People's Grass before they attend lecture.

COCAINE is definitely in third place. Although I have never personally had the pleasure of ingesting this drug, I know that many people from New Jersey enjoy it; as a result, they are all left with a clammy, pale complexion that only Jersey transplants can get by coming to URI. It is a popular substance consumed at parties so that folks can at least pretend that they, and the parties they attend, are interesting.

DXM is in at a distant fourth.. Want to try PCP but don't know where to get it? Health Services will hook you up, for free. University cough syrup is the way to go if you are looking to freak people out by walking around the dorm at 3 AM with your shirt off, knocking on random doors (separate story).

ECSTASY is an easy one to get, as long as you like DXM. There is no real E on this college campus, it's all cut with Cough Caps and cooking powder. Have a nice night.

HEROIN? No self respecting active heroin addict would attend school. That costs money... which can be spent on a bundle.

PRESCRIPTION DRUGS are by far the most used, but they are at the bottom of the list because they are legal. If you have an Adderal® Prescription, you can make some easy money by selling it to wannabe drug addicts who are looking for a quick bump without using harder drugs like cocaine or methamphetamine (unavailable in Rhode Island), thus not making them "addicts".

Oh yeah, I almost forgot ALCOHOL. However, there's none of that being consumed... it's a dry campus. Just kidding. Everyone drinks crap beer. Close to 80 percent of the male student population likes to sit in their rooms by themselves, with 2 other people, listen to Bob Dylan music, and get hammered off a 6 pack. Many females will bring poland spring bottles to class, and will grow increasingly agitated as their liquid lunch drains into their cracked mouths.

You can find anyone on drugs anywhere, but on this campus, you don't have to look far.