URI is hear to reassure thousands of parents that there are no drugs on campus and that Bobby will make lots of friends, and fool lots of girls into thinking that they won't be raped

I have been fed a sanitized version of what life should be like my entire life. From birth until I entered college, my life was like a picturesque, black and white episode of Leave it to Beaver. My parents slept in separate beds, many of my friends looked like people out of the O.C., and the music that I heard over the loudspeaker at my minimum-wage retail job was like my life: bland, colorless, and irritated my bowels.
That is, until I discovered college.

College is a concept, an idea, a utopia where one lives for free. College can happen to anyone; the moment one decides to strategically position himself in class to avoid the color-coded tests, the day that one first arrives to class intoxicated, the hour when a girl becomes a woman at your hand (or at least you think so). Most of all, though, college is drugs.

The University of Rhode Island. Here's an institution that consists primarily of this demographic:
1. Locals who were too good for community college, but not good enough for a private insitution;
2. Pale, cocaine-snorting chicks from New Jersey, who wanted to be far enough away from mom and dad that they could screw every baseball cap wearing tooljob at every lame college party;
3. Basement dwelling nerds; and
4. Minorities who were pushed really hard by their legal guardians to graduate their underperforming public schools and make it out into the real world, earn a useless degree, and take a job with American Airlines.

Quite a demographic. Naturally, the University of Rhode Island would be a place where many people, including myself, would spend four years lying, cheating, and working just hard enough not to get fired from their campus jobs.

URI is situated on a picturesque, traditional college campus. At least, that is what they want you to think. Go on any college tour, and you will be shown every new vestibule that the University has spent their endowment on since the year 2000. Listen to the tour guides expound on the 8 different kinds of cereal available in the dining hall; the temporary counseling services available to the mentally unstable; the largest collection of books in the state (the library, where you will never go, unless you are forced to attend their "informational" sessions); the vast network of computers that you will use to check facebook on a regular basis.

Truly, an exceptional place.

The University of Rhode Island has many amenities not mentioned by the student tour guides. URI has an exceptional cockroach problem, with many bugs infesting many buildings. URI has an exceptionally high amount of girls who you don't want to have sex with (but you inevitably will) (see Girls). URI has a great student union building, where sketchfolk can hang out at the coffee shop and have awkward conversations with the chick who should have used more hair dye, and where minorities hold all of their formal events.

A place you will never forget.

You will never forget the communication studies professor who clearly has men issues and structures her curriculum around it. You will never forget how shitty the weed is, how cut the cocaine is, or how unlovely the sorority girls are. You will never forget the first time you play beer pong in a 4 x 8 single room, or the time I threatened the RA's life for intruding upon a gathering. You will reminisce over how many times you tried to score with the girls living next door to me, and how many times you failed, because you know more about what a big dick looks like than they do.

They think big. In fact, it's their motto. Every year, they trick thousands of kids into attending their dead-end general education classes, reassure thousands of parents that there are no drugs on campus and that Bobby will make lots of friends, and fool lots of girls into thinking that they won't be raped.

Then of course, there are classes you can go to, clubs you can join, things you can do.