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The Night I was Raped
I would like to share my story for two reasons: my story might empower another survivor to seek help or to reach out and share her story; perhaps more important, my story might prevent just one woman from being raped.
That is important enough that I am willing to put my personal, sensitive, vulnerable shit out there - maybe someone who hasn't been raped can learn how it feels, what it's like to be raped without having to experience the atrocity first hand. Maybe someone who didn't think about what 'no' means will understand.
I was raped on January 28th, 2000. I am not okay. I am not going to do anything drastic or stupid or crazy, but I am dealing (trying to…) with this in a huge way. This is my story:
The weekend following my 18th birthday (which, since it fell on a Monday, could not be celebrated immediately), Lily, Jenny, some of the boys and I went to a friend's apartment for some pre-party drinking to kick off my birthday celebration at about 9:30. The festivities begin and we each have between six and eight shots - mostly buttery nipples, some 151 too. 11:00 rolls around, the guys head off to go play pool and us girls go off to a DJ party at a fraternity where we have lots of friends. We dance, we're laughing, we are having a great, old-fashioned girls night out… and we drink some more… Around 1:30, Lily and I decide it's time to head out - the party's lame and we are no longer drunk enough to not care.
Back at our dorm, Lily and I sit on the 'smoking bench' and have one last cigarette before going to bed. Out the door of the adjacent boy's dorm, come Josh and the Asshole Himself. After some chatting and persuasion on their part, Lily and I decide to go to their room with them to play quarters. Bear in mind that, by this point, neither of us were particularly drunk (despite the quantity of alcohol consumed earlier that evening) and quarters sounded like a pretty decent way to round out the night.
Four shots later and more than three sheets to the wind, Mike (previously known only as 'Asshole') starts laying his mac down pretty heavily. Flirting back and thinking nothing of it (he was, after all, a friend - we'd drank together many times before…), I decide that it's time for me to go to bed. Somehow, the fact that my roommate was at home rather than at the dorm came up in conversation. Mike walks me out, being a friend.
Or so I thought.
Mike didn't just walk me out.
He walks in the dorm behind me.
He walks into my room behind me.
Details get a little blurry and painful here.
By now it's probably after 3. Mike walks me out of his dorm, as I said before, and into my room. How this transitions into what happens next is lost to me. Before I know it, Mike is all over me, without his pants. My tights end up on the floor, my dress up around my chest with me on my back on my bed. My wrists are pinned against the bed - and it hurts. I remember telling Mike that I didn't want to have sex with him - I was seeing someone, I was on my period, I had a tampon inserted (which I did), and just plain old 'NO.' Mike proceeded, despite my protests, to rape me - ignoring my pleas, even though at this point, since he had penetrated me, I was just begging him to put a condom on… He put off my pleading with "Baby, I won't cum in you, be quiet." I can't remember anything else about the actual act distinctly - I think that I have blocked that from memory completely - but I can remember continued protests and an incredible, indescribable rage.
Once Mike had finished with me, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, he was gone - I am not a particularly religious person, but I thank God everyday that he wasn't there when I came back. I put my pajamas on after this and stared at the ceiling. For hours.
It's been excruciatingly difficult - my trip to Planned Parenthood for emergency contraception - a huge jolt, considering I am the contraceptive queen; accepting that I was raped; telling my parents and good friends - I would do anything to have not had to put those people I care about through that. Lily felt responsible because she thought she could have prevented this. I am just starting to deal with the aftermath of that night - I have had paralyzing nightmares, I've cried for no apparent reason, I've comfort eaten, and I have gone through a torrent of tests - pregnancy, HIV, STD panels and more - and still have more to get.
The only thing that I know will get me through this is my own sense of inner strength - this will not consume me and I will make it through - at any cost. Though he might have tried, Mike didn't get the best of me. I am the strong, beautiful, happy and secure woman I was before he raped me.
It is my own responsibility that I got drunk. It is not my fault I got raped.
Sadly, date rape is rampant on college campuses.