The Phantom Shitter was also very insecure...

One night we played several games of tree (11 beers each game), and "Jonny Big Time" got completely wasted and disappeared for an hour or so. Nobody knew where he had gone or what exactly he might be doing. Knowing him, we just figured he went upstairs to smoke a blunt or rub one out.

Concurrently, a few SAEs from down the other side of campus came over, popped their collars and drank a few Mike’s Hard Lemonades in the basement. After tolerating some playa-hatin comments from most everybody, they left and did not return for the rest of the night.

The next morning, we congregated downstairs for some bagels when "Jonny Big Time" sent an email out to the house that some dirty perpetrator had left a turd, a full-sized human turd, under his lofted bed. Immediately the finger pointing began.

Who done it?

Was it the psycho, man-beast of a girl that he had just broken up with? Or perhaps the collar popping dbags from the cross campus house? Or the sigeps from next door whose house and women, we were constantly pillaging? The possibilities were endless.

The identity of the phantom shitter would not be revealed until the end of senior year.

At the last fraternity meeting, "Jonny Big Time" revealed that the phantom shitter, was indeed himself, as a further investigation of his boxer shorts in the morning would have indicated. Yes in the heat of the moment, the poor kid shat the floor and chafed himself royally. Thus the mystery of the phantom shitter was solved.

Plus at the time it was also revealed that the poor kid also kept an email folder with saved messages of compliments that he had received from other people. And the ones that he heard during the day, he would write down and send to himself. True story.