No girl in her right mind would still want to hook up with some drunk loser who kicks tires down the main drag on Saturday nights.

I was a senior and after changing majors for the eighth time, I went with history. There were two girls that were also seniors in this major, both with the same name and both close friends.

One is a very attractive girl who I had a crush on and one while I'm sure beautiful on the inside, was quite large.

One night I hit up the bars around campus with them and after hitting on the cute one, the larger one starts buying me round after round of shots. Normally when a girl is into me for one reason or another I am completely oblivious.

However obliviousness ends when she leans over for a public makeout in this bar. Immediately coming back to my senses, I'm screaming in my head no way. But I'm too nice and after casually ducking my head away from hers, suggest we pick up and move to the bar down the street.

As we leave, it ends up just being her and I. Great. However I'm too nice to flat out leave her and go back for the other Heather. So I begin thinking of ulterior methods.

I find a spare tire laying on the ground and decide, hey why don't we start kicking this tire? No girl in her right mind would still want to hook up with some drunk loser who kicks tires down the main drag on Saturday nights.

Well she did.

And she got into it. Really, really into it. As we arrived at the next bar, tire in hand, she pulled the same routine. Buy me loads of shots and sneak in for the kill once again. Again I narrowly avert her drunken onslaught. I tell her that its getting late (think 11:30 at this point ) and am going to leave. She then, heroically volunteers to walk me home so no other female with ill intentions tries to have her way with me.

As we leave, I see my spare tire laying on the ground and figure this will be my exit ticket. I offer another round of back alley tire kicking to which she enthusiastically agrees (perhaps she finally found her sport?). The bar is about four blocks from my then apartment and gradually my pace picked up to the point where I was at an all out sprint kicking this tire.

Now I played lacrosse in college and was in my peak physical shape at this point, and she, was not. After I had about 20 yards on her, I figured this would be a clean getaway.

However it was not meant to be.

I failed to mention this was the middle of winter and there was ice covering the roads. It was dark enough that I could not see the ice in front of me as I rounded the corner toward my house at a blistering pace. I completely wiped out and landed on my back.

As I laid on the ground, the actual fall didn't hurt so much as I knew she would try to perform CPR on me if I didn't move. She helped me up and near carried me back to my house. I lied and said I didn't have keys so when I told her I was going to climb through the window, she, despite her determination was not going to be able to hop the ledge.

And that is how I avoided one big girl in college.