He saw her trying to push the heavy door with the coordination of a three year old greased orangutan.

Innocently enough, it started with an intervention. What Dave didn’t know was that it would end with “you’re a horrible dick, I hope you die!” The intervention was to cure Dave’s suitemate of chronic masturbation. Dave’s suitemate wasn’t actually a chronic masturbator, but rather had just managed to get caught by his roommate, and the rest of the suite saw an opportunity for a practical joke.

During English the class was divided into pairs, and having his luck, he was paired with one of the three people he didn’t know at all. However it was a good day, so he decided to invite her to the intervention, after all it was for a good cause.

“He WHAT?” Allison said.

Dave was embarrassed at saying something so delicate in front of the entire class, so he simply made the hand motion, and added “In the room when his roommate was asleep.”
“Wow”
“I know”
“He w--Wow”
“yea”
“While h-Wow”
“I know”
The conversation continued in this manner for several minutes. It was both mind boggling, and quite amusing to the both of them. Strangely enough this seemed to form some sort of friendship for the two of them.

In English, they would joke about stuff, anything really, from him being a dick to her not ever doing any work. It was fun, amusing to the both of them, no substance there really. Like an instant meal, it will keep you from starving but never really satisfies the entire connotation of a “dinner”. That was how Allison and Dave were; just barely keeping the other from going hungry for the hour and fifteen minutes twice a week that really just ate up time before the social event that was Sociology.

The banter went back and forth littered with innuendos and humorously crass suggestions. Until the very last day of the semester, Allison had been bar-hopping and after stumbling back to her dorm, she happened to sign onto her Instant Message program. When Dave, saw her screen name light up as active, he was reminded of the DVD she had borrowed from him almost six weeks earlier, and decided to see if he could rescue it from an eternity of Allison’s possession.

Her words often came out scrambled and she was unusually eager to speak with anyone. Dave conversed in standard fashion, with his crass humor wrapping every half-serious sentence. However he was surprised to be met with such bold rejection, the surprise didn’t last long; it only took two or three messages to realize she was pretty bombed.

Still, against his better judgment he decided to go over there he told her he’d be over in a second. Waiting outside in the week old snow that refused to melt he saw her as she stumbled down the stairs to let him in. He followed her to her suite, and stood there as she tried several times to dial in the combination to her door, met with failure time after time, until finally, Klick-clack, the knob turned and the door eased open.
Dave laughed to himself, as he saw her trying to push the heavy door with the coordination of a three year old greased orangutan. Seeing her drunk was quite the hilarious opposite of how he usually pictured her. She was well spoken and looked good, but never quite dressed to the nines in her everyday life, but now, here she was in some classy designer top, bumbling through sentences with her makeup smeared across her face. She told him to sit, as she stared blankly at the remote, looking for the eject button.

At this point everything was still amusing to Dave. She wasn’t in any danger, just pretty drunk. After a minute or two, he finally decided to do it for her, instead of watching her try to make sense of the swirling symbols that refused to stay still. He hit the eject button, and upon doing so immediately realized he shouldn’t have. She loaded the disc into the tray, and collapsed onto her bed, in a position half sitting, half lying down.

As the movie began to play Dave began to realize this was neither as simple nor as amusing as he had originally thought.
“Can I just grab this and bail it’s like 4 am?”
“No!, it’s funny I wanna watchit”

It was at this point that Dave’s uncanny ability to talk about anything with anyone for any amount of time came in handy. He mentally sifted through the vast amounts of useless knowledge he had accumulated over the years. He just blurted something out, and the drunken rant began.

The conversation shifted, as conversations do (especially when aided by a good four hours of barhopping), and in this process they began talking about some of their mutual friends and classmates. There was “Horse-face” who was the roommate of “Ass-girl” who had a crush on “FlatTop”, who wanted to fight “Firecrotch” but was afraid of “Dude” as well as a lengthy cast of characters that made the classes they shared a drudgery.
Just as Dave was about to grab the Movie from the TV Allison dropped a bomb. “Psshh.. likefuckinTerry, andMonika are fucking Whoreslike really whatabitch andthey alwayshangout, it’slike they’re lesbianorsomething”
[in case you don't speak drunk she tried to say "Pshh like fucking Terry and Monika are fucking whores, like really, what a bitch and they always hang out like they are lesbian or something]
Dave looked at her glossy unfocused eyes, and said the only thing he could fathom, “You mean Terry and Monika from Soc? The two cool chicks who sit in front of me?”
“Yeaa… fuckin Monika is fuckin like every night”
“What how do u know?”
“She fuckingmonss”
“She What now?”
“She MOANS, real loud it-woke-up my-roommate”
Dave tried his best to remain as calm and focused as possible but the image still found a way to bore itself into the front of his thoughts: Monika’s Bony figure, with her prominent eye makeup intact, naked, embracing a faceless male glistening in sweat, or with her jaw dropped as she lay back on a hardwood mahogany floor, her tattoos shining in the firelight.

He knew this probably wasn’t what it looked liked the times that Alisha had heard her, but still, it was a captivating thought. All this just made the snap back to reality that much more depressing, as he was shaken from his fantasy world and returned to the fluorescent lit, tiny dorm room as Alisha stood shaking him repeating “hey you-there?”

Dave reluctantly replied and resumed trying to sneak his movie out of her possession. Although she seemed to be quite incapacitated, he somehow managed to alert her to his intentions to take his movie back with him, before the sun came up, or things got any weirder in the room. She had deceiving agility despite her mental state, and she manages to swipe the DVD case from him, just after he managed to get the DVD into it.

“Christ on a fucking cock!” Dave moaned, as she put the DVD behind her and demanded that he stay. Alisha had an analogue watch, a true casualty of the digital revolution, the thinking behind it was that every cell phone had a digital time, so it was normal to have an analogue watch and not know how to read it:
“It’s only like umm..one..two..three…four!... four…uhh…six”

Realizing that he could probably use her drunkenness to either leave, or better yet, be forced out Dave popped the important question: “When’s your hot roommate coming back?”

“She has a boyfriend!”
“So…That doesn’t make her un-hot”
“But it makes her ‘Un..Availipale’”
“Just for now” Dave's smirk was prevalent and he hoped that he could push her over the edge by reminding her that her roommate was smoking hot.
“Do you want to do her?” Alliso asked, in a condescending tone that was intended to embarrass Dave.
“Hell yes” slipped through the smirk without a thought behind it “What? Do ya think I’m gay?.... If you like Tail, you like her. No question, she has got an ass like a peach”
“What does that even Mean?” Dave began to respond to Allison, before whipping around 180 degrees and seeing the slim, fair skinned, roommate standing in the doorway. He desperately hoped she would be as drunk as Allison, but as he took a second to think, he realized she was stone cold sober.

“Shit!” he said, “I was tryin to get her to throw me out, she’s got my movie an….”
“What does any of that have to do with my peach-ass?”
“Well, I was just, uhhh….”
Allison rose from her crouch position to laugh at him, pointing as if he was actually guilty, pointing a finger and rocking her head from side to side, like a first grade girl, who just found out her classmates had kissed.

“OOOOOoooo” was about all she could get out, before her roommate stepped in. “Get your Drunk- ass under the covers, you’re gunna feel this one in the morning.” “And Tell her to gimme my movie, cause I want out.” Dave tried to exploit the situation as best as he could.

“Allison” she stopped for a second, contemplating what the most just cause of action would be, then a smirk much like Dave's smirk earlier, began to form within her lips “keep his fuckin movie.”

She then turned, and Dave saw the smirk he wielded so powerfully just a few moments ago, “Me and my peach-ass are goin to bed, you should probably, get the fuck out before you compare me to any more fruit. O and by the way, you do know me, and I think you’re a horrible dick, and I hope you die walking back to your dorm”


While crossing the courtyard at 5am the brief images of fulfilling Allison’s roommate’s hopes flashed through his brain. Falling down the cement steps, and bleeding unconsciously at the bottom; or tripping, falling forward in just the right way so the tree branch would snap his neck; These weren’t pleasant thoughts but they kept his mind off the cold, and the severe disappointment of losing his DVD.

“Too easy,” he said aloud, “People like me don’t die all of the sudden, I’ll be old and gray by the time, someone realizes I never should have made it that far.”

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